Perfecting Loneliness

Perfect?

I think I've developed a grave mistrust of guys who are too smooth or too bolero. I used to get butterflies over that sort of attention back in the day, but seriously... If a guy tries to tickle me, "bicker" with me (you know how that goes, they'll instigate a fight or a debate with you to rile you up as a way for them to get your attention), makes fun of me, texts me about things that aren't loaded with anything ("Hey"), or pulls out the pa-cute card, I'm out of there. I think this is me moving out of the playground already. I hate games. If a guy can sustain my attention without the need for magic tricks or a bag of props, only then will I bother spending time with them. Unless the props are really that brilliant, haha.

So What Happens When Warped Tour Boy Grows Up

Allow me to explain the title. "Vans Warped Tour Boy" was a term I coined while I was chatting with one of my best friends Ria. Warped Tour Boy is the term that epitomizes the type of guy that I tend to fall head over heels for. Warped Tour Boy is a boy of the post hardcore music persuasion. He has sexy facial piercings. He skates and rips like a crazy motherfucker. He's a walking endorser for skate brands such as Element, DC, Adio, etc. (though needless to say, the caricature isn't pogi and I like them boys pogi).

Warped Tour Boy has to have gorgeous ink. He plays in a post-hardcore band as well; if he plays the bass, I'd be all over him like a fat kid on a cupcake. He drinks, he smokes. He gets plus points if he has not-so severe, not-so long spiked hair. He can rock classic black Chucks. He can wear a white short-sleeved button down with a skinny black tie and look like my personal savior. He has an impressive collection of band shirts, pins, and posters. He has a stash of studded belts.

This imagery has kept my heart in a flutter for years.

I guess I remembered my old friend, Warped Tour Boy when I found myself at the rock stage at Davao Festival last year. I try to make the annual pilgrimage because I love my music, I love the festival communion, and I love being around like-minded people.

Granted that I do find it annoying that Lolita-circus-Emo arrived to the masses 8 years too late (then again, herd mentality in any form is annoying), that really wasn't it. I have been in mosh pits with unsavory characters and I have found myself in sketchy, hole-in-the-wall bars many, many times. It takes a lot a to faze me.

I guess the tipping point happened while I was sitting on the gravel in the parking lot holding my cup of Red Horse. "I don't belong here anymore," my head seemed to say. I compare it to watching a movie you loved as a kid years later then finally seeing all the tacky special effects. It doesn't change the fact that you still love the movie, but it's like having a myth shattered.

I couldn't find a single band I enjoyed at the rock stage (maybe except for Cog, because... it's Cog, biases aside). I liked hearing the Ambassadors' old songs, but I found myself not being able to relate to the new ones. The other bands, to me they just sounded like ripoffs of my favorite bands with the vocalists not quite nailing what I wanted to hear. Maybe simply put, I really don't resonate with this generation's rock sound now. It sounds too rehashed, too formulaic... to the point that you can see the strings holding up the flying heroes. It was like emerging out of Plato's cave, or realizing Falkor from the Neverending Story was just a mechanical puppet. Ouch.

I've been feeling this way about the rock scene for quite some time, hence my absence from a lot of gigs for years now. When it all comes down to it, I'm really there for the music. If friends really wanted to see me, they know where to find me. When I graduated from Ateneo a couple of years back, I found myself unconsciously hanging up my studded belts. My standard uniform of a tank top with my black bra straps sticking out, the baggy flared jeans, the Chucks, and the stud belt is now a fleeting memory. I stopped listening to Thrice after Vheissu. Thursday disappointed me heavily with A City By the Light Divided. Taking Back Sunday's albums get weaker as the years go by (in the same note, I have to give credit to Brand New accomplishing the total opposite). I'm actually also dreading Alexisonfire's Young Cardinals. If I can't like it, then it's over. It's really the end of an era.

I remember Warped Tour Boy because I realized that I'm not Warped Tour Girl anymore. I can't go on creating my projections out of my subculture affiliations because I know that I should stop creating projections period. Come to think of it, my Warped Tour Boy doesn't exist anymore. No, thank you. I don't like hanging onto the past. My dream boy would have the better sense to grow up.

Good Weekend

Hmmm, let’s see:

1. Our new condo-mate has finally moved in with us.
2. I got my old CD's sent by my sisters through LBC.
3. Hung out with MIHCA friends.
4. Watched Inception and it's pretty awesome.
5. Finally, went to a tattoo shop with Ria for a consult.

Yup, I had a good weekend.

Blah Blah

Name: Kathleen Cordero
Age according to your birth certificate: 22
Age you really think you are: 17

1) What are 5 things you really like about yourself?
- Most clothes look awesome on me
- My ability to entertain people on long car trips
- Morphing into a man with just enough alcohol
- I'm really comfortable in my skin right now
- I'd write more but I'd risk sounding really conceited

2) What is one accomplishment you are really proud of that you can't ever write down in your resume?
I can stand people droning on and on without flinching or showing any sign of boredom or disinterest. Took lots of practice drifting into lalaland.

3) If you could live a secret life, what kind of secret life would you live?
Supermodel with uber pouty lips and a sexy slouched posture.

4) What is the loveliest thing someone's told you lately?
Hmmm... I really can't remember.

5) What is the most supreme act of kindness ever shown to you?
My parents standing up for me.

6) What is your inner child wearing right now?
A big, big rainbow tutu.

7) Describe the very moment you first fell in love.
Wheeeeeeeee....

8) Describe your favorite person without using any adjectives.
He looks like the baby Jesus in swaddling clothes when he's sleeping in his bed. An overgrown baby, that is. Shit, three adjectives. Sorry.

9) Complete the sentence on your future headstone: "Here lies...."
I don't want anything written on my urn.

10) What movie character would you love to play?
I'll get back to you on this one -- but I remember wanting so bad to be Christina Ricci in Now and Then or Claudia Kishi in the Baby-Sitters club movie.

11) Describe your perfect birthday cake.
Estrelle's caramel cake! Or Mrs. Yulo's Strawberry shortcake! With pretty candles.

12) A stadium of people are clapping for you and giving you a standing ovation. What did you just do to deserve this?
Being the greatest Risk player in the world. Then I'll have the crowd chant for me to become the supreme ruler of the universe.

The lucky 13 question: If you were a musical instrument, what instrument would you be and how would you like to be played?
Trombone. Wait, I don't know. Something that would require lots of saliva, tongue, and sensual stroking. LOL

Epiphany

I actually truly love my life now. Really! I mean there are still way too many quirks that need some fixing up, but seriously, I'm good. I haven't had this much fun with things in a while, I love hanging out with my friends, and it feels so good to be in my skin. And newsflash: I LOVE BEING SINGLE! I love the introspection I'm getting, I love my me-time, and I love not being complicated anymore. I really don't know what to say. I'm a bigger goofball now and there are so many moments that are just too good to pass up. Like what Ria says, this has been the best semester of our lives.

I'm disgusting.

Lately, everything in my life has been... cinematic. I've been relishing in my angst, my cynicism, and jadedness for too long. It's now time for corny and Disney.

It's the season for cheesy moments, I say. Cold air, good smokes, the right songs popping at the right time, and food hits.